Today I woke up and the sky outside was still dark. I pulled my bedroom shades open and stared at the rain. I felt the inevitable cramping sensation I’d been dreading for days and knew that my instincts had been right all along. The IUI did not work. For a solid hour, I lay in my bed wide awake but unready to face the day. Even the glow of the bedside lamp did not make it seem like morning. Under the covers, the dogs snuggled closer to the contours of my body and made me feel warm and temporarily protected. If I didn’t leave my bed, I wouldn’t have to admit defeat. I could shut out the world and all its disappointments.
The phone rang and tentatively, I answered it. I tried to hide the tears from my voice but it was no good; MM knows me too well. After a few minutes of “why me?” type melodrama, I forced myself to shake it off and touch my toes to the floor. As I started a pot of good, strong coffee, I promised I’d be ready in less than an hour for our usual Thrifting Tuesday. As soon as I stood under the hot stream of water in the shower, I felt better. Cleaner and calmer. I started thinking about all of the things I have to be grateful for and I felt truly okay about things. I decided to feel this way; it was a deliberate choice. And I am glad I chose it because the rest of the day was pretty pleasant and not at all like the depressing pity-party I had imagined this day to be.
I watched the rain and listened to a Stray Cats record until MM’s car pulled up and then the thrifting began. On our first stop, I found a hobnail milk glass vase for 25 cents (for the shop) and for myself a small, round wrought iron table/stand that matches my patio set MM bought for me last year. It’s the perfect size for a little side table for someone to set their drink on or else as a plant stand on the deck. It was only $3! On the second stop, I found a little wooden Kokeshi doll for 75 cents to add to my collection and a box of vintage Lincoln Logs for 75 cents. For my future child who will have no idea of the turmoil I went through to have him/her and will innocently play with the Lincoln Logs while I reminisce about the day I bought them in an act of defiance/hope.
Around this time, we got hungry and stopped for lunch at Chili’s, which turned out to be shared appetizers and strawberry-mango margaritas. The third stop was the Salvation Army across the street, which rendered nothing but a stuffed toy for 49 cents for my best friend’s son who has been begging for a Garfield. I found a Nermal, so hopefully he will be placated until I can track down the coveted fat orange cat. At the fourth and final stop, I founds two books. The first was the White Queen, by Philippa Gregory. The second was this:
After thrifting, we hit up a vitamin store we’d always wanted to visit where I bought some suggested supplements for improving fertility. Got hubby some pills that smell (and taste, I was told) like paint. Went home and had some regrettable fast food for dinner and hunkered down for the evening. I got in my pajamas and made some peppermint tea. Listened to some Pandora radio while I scanned in some Technicolor-ish pictures of cakes from a 1950’s Good Housekeeping pamphlet. Took a deep breath. Exhaled. Said a silent prayer of thanks that I made it through the day without a meltdown…